Slugs – I Hate Their Guts!

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I ate his guts

You’d think after HedgeWizard’s frankly horrific experience with a slug and his man-plums *shudder*, I’d be more wary of the little blighters. But ohhhh no. Not me. No. I have to go one better don’t I?

Things to remember when stacking bricks from one point of the garden to another:

1) Never look at the bricks as you slap them together.
2) If you do, never be laughing at The News Quiz as you do.

If you fail to observe these simple rules, then it is entirely you own fault if a slug that was safely nestled in a nook or cranny is slapped between to bricks at high speed and explodes upwards into your face, hair, eyes and mouth. Oh yes. And don’t expect any sympathy from erindoors either. Oh no.

I really, REALLY hate slugs guts. Only in this case, I ate his. I feel dirty.

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Calling all Spammers and Spambots…

Please stop offering me porn, especially gay and lolita as I am a) straight and b) prefer my ladies older (although not grannies, so please stop that too). If I wanted porn, I would just type ‘porn’ into google and stand back as the barrage of naughtiness filled my life to bursting – I do not need you to constantly offer such things to me.

Instead, how about spamming me with stuff I might actually need and want to look at? Try… oh, let’s see… try gardening, you fuckwits. Maybe eco-products. Or books on Second Life. Maybe, just maybe then I’d be fooled into clicking on a link to some dodgy scamming site in Russia, but whilst you offer me unlimited upskirt tiny teen photos and live webcams to hairless gay boys I wouldn’t hold your collective breaths. Idiots.

Work – Arsebuggery!

Hi all, work are having a major Orwellian crackdown on staff web/email usage so I won’t be able to blog during the day anymore. Mean, small minded swines. The fecking IT crowd who are undertaking this can surf and email all they want, but the rest of us prols obviously can’t be trusted.

So, given that I’m busy in the house right now (preparing…) I won’t be around for a bit. I’m sure a new patteren will settle in soon, but until then I’ll be running silent 😦

hb

p.s. I’ve also altered some spam settings so don’t worry if your comment doesn’t appear right away.

Northern Rockiness

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Northern Rockiness

Bonkers! The Northern Rock has had to borrow money from the Bank of England due the fact it (and many other banks) are finding it difficult to borrow money from other banks due to the sub-prime loan crisis that started in the Banana Republics of America (and I don’t mean Mexico and south, folks).

The bank has done this to ensure it remains solvent.

How do it’s customers take this? With restraint and resigned patience? Do they chuff! Hey! look! It’s 1929 again – let’s take all the money of the bank thereby causing the crash we wanted to avoid!

Pillocks.

p.s. there is a bloke in that pic who was from Nationwide a few shops down – he was handing out lollipops and leaflets about his rival’s packages, the cunning swine 😀

Taking the piss out of the KKK

From a story I read in Bug_Girl’s blog – Clowns laughing at nazis.

All your beds are belong to Slugs!

The Slugs are taking over!

See! See! It isn’t just me moaning (Mistress) or being crap (Dad), the fekking Undead Slug Army foretold in the Bible* has risen and is eating out food as they are too small to reach out brains.

15 billion! That must just be in my bloody garden 😦

Me & Jac are starting an Army. There will be uniforms, weapons and cake for all members – who’s with me? Just make sure that no one tells that nice Mr Cameron. He needs a new campaign and “Hug A Slug” would only make our job harder if PETA got involved.

Major Stompy McBurro.
96th Airborne Panzer Slug Stomping Div.
“Caedo Assilio Accudo”
*************************************

* Maybe. I haven’t read the damn thing. It waffles on about a whole heap’o’crap, so Zombie Slugs are bound to be in there. Probably in a letter to the Romans** that read “Sweet Baby Jesu! The Slugs just ate the 10th Legion!”

** All of ’em? Think of the postage!

My First Tomato!

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First Tomato 02

Despite the rain. Despite the lack of sun. Despite the bastard slugs. Despite over-zealous watering by me when it was a wee plantling, my tomato plant bears fruit. Oh blessed be.

What?

Yes I know I’ve not posted for a bit. Yes I know you’ve missed me and I said I’d call you. Yes, we are all missing some Burroy love, but hey! Second Life won’t play itself you know! And I’m here now, so put t’kettle on and I’ll tell you all about it…

This month I ‘av been mainly working at work to make up flexitime I lost from leaving early and having looooooong dinners. I have also been playing SL. I make no apologies. I have plans for my island that involve a crashed bi-plane and an archaeological dig that uncovers some ruins of a shocking nature – but for now, I can say no more 🙂

I ‘av… sorry, have also been waging a War on Slugs. I managed to do this without illegally invading parts of my garden or causing a civil war to erupt between the snails and the beetles. So that would be 1 for me, and 0 for Bush/Blair – Go The Burro! In my War on Slugs (or WoS? for short) I have been using super-absorbent grit*, beer traps**, and a pen-knife***. I may be winning – I am waiting until I read the full report later this month before deciding if I can scale down my operations or I need to look at a mass organic blue pellet aerial bombing campaign. They ate my only two courgette plants****.

I am now, if you remember this, on planting numero 4 of my salad crops, beans and carrots. I am happy to report that a) the clips securing the mini-greenhouse to the fence seem to have worked, and b) last night I moved lots of the healthy seedlings into bigger tubs in the hope they grow big and juicy away from the attention of the slugs (Think Slugs? Think WoS?!)

Equally happy am I by the near-miraculous recovery of my poor slug-munched**** asparagus. A couple of weeks ago, I was looking at 4 out the 10 surviving. Last night I found that my nightly slug-hunts****, beer traps and barriers made of cut up milk bottles have seen an increase of likely survivors to a whopping 7! I’m hoping this will get up to at least 8, but I very much doubt it will get higher and almost certainly will never reach 10*****.

Now on to things I have not done so well 😦 I have not yet replied to KW’s meme (I will!), or many of my friend’s blog posts (I will!), and Bert has been most neglectful of Marvin’s frankly fooking brilliant blog (Bert is sorry, Marv – he is, as always, reading all your write and will issue forth a flurry of comments soon). I will attempt to do better very soon, I promise****** 🙂

General Bastard McBurro
Chief Slug Slicer in the WoS?
*************************

* They work a treat – they soaked up all the fekking rain we’ve had and provided the slugs with a lovely carpet on which to slither towards my plants so they could munch them. Bastards. The slugs, I mean.

** The is something very hypnotic about holding a jar of dead, bloated slugs up to the light as they bob about, suspended in beer.

*** Slicey slicey.

**** BASTARDS!

***** 1 has never shown even a single spear – all the others have, but suffered a varying degree of munching by slugs****.

****** This is in no way a binding guarantee.

Blue Blooded Bug!

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Blue Blooded Bug

Fek me! What kind of foul creature has blue blood? I mean, really. Blue. Blood. WTF? as the kids would say. I hit it with my spade and cut it in half – I didn’t mean to but I didn’t see it. I saw the blue goo oozing from it, though! Fair made me shudder it did 🙂

Been a weird few days for wee beatsies – aside from the alien there, I also found a little mouse in my compost (I nearly hit him with a spade by accident!) and some strange, but quite beautiful, brown grubs. One thing I’m hoping not see much more of is slugs following my application of Nemaslug – that’ll teach the little gits to eat my beans!

In other garden news, I’ve built a mini-greenhouse for my toms and lettuce (they are much happier now)  and moved the heaps of soil from the garden to a couple of dalek type composters. I’ve also replanted my beans, rocket and radishes, all of which the blasted slugs wolfed down 🙂

Bugger! I’ve left my seeds outside and the light is going – got to dash!

Vote For Me!

There is a trowel wielding mouse I met recently who is soliciting votes for good gardening websites. As there is no “Best Blog To Make Me Laugh Until Wee Came Out!” category, or “Bestest Blog Run By A Handsome Devil With A Cheeky Twinkle!” category, or even “Topmost Blog With A Burro Involved But Without Rumpy Pumpy With Said Burro!” category then you can’t vote for me, which makes the title of this post somewhat misleading. Sorry.

Whilst you mentally draft you letters of complaint for the absence of aforementioned categories, pop over to Trowel The Mouse (not the real name but I like it as it sounds like a great game at a local fair) and vote for some other less wee-releasing blogs. (grumble grumble never win owt, me grumble gripe unloved moan grumble buggers!)*

* Another lie! I’ve just had a call from our IT department to say I’ve won a 3-night break in the Lakes. All for filling in an online survey. Blimey! I’m buying me a lottery ticket today!

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